Epiphany #9: Our Teens Have Needs

Crazy, right? To think that these awkwardly proportioned, half child half adults have needs is kind of weird to think about. I mean, they are jerks all of the time, right? Wrong. What if you knew that the reason they act out is because there are needs that are not filled... Ones you are responsible to fill for them? 

It's the truth. There are five main main needs that need to be met in order for your teen to feel loved and be healthy. To put this in perspective, the fulfilling of these needs will lead to your teens having less trouble listening, an easier time being responsible, and a significantly lower problem with drugs. The first of these needs is the need for Contact/Belonging. The lack of feeling like they are loved in the home leads them to look for love and acceptance elsewhere. This comes in the form of sports teams sometimes, but more than likely they turn to cliques, gangs, and smoking groups. 

The second need is Power. Whenever you find your teens acting out and arguing, they are fighting for a voice. The best way to fix this is to give them one. Listen, and try to actually understand what they have to say. You may just be surprised with the ideas that they actually have. 

The third type of need that all teens have is the need for protection. If home is an unsafe place (either emotionally or physically) teens are old enough to search for protection elsewhere. This is most often seen in the form of gangs, which can be scary for the members and the communities in which they reside. 

The fourth need for teens is the need for withdrawal. They need some time to themselves. They are becoming individuals and need some space to figure themselves out. So give it to them. They will feel more respected when their space is respected. 

The last need that teens have is challenge. Let's face it: teens want some competition! Whether it be a positive source, like sports, or a negative one, like fights at school, a teen will get what they subconsciously need. 

You as a parent have the opportunity to influence where your teens get their needs fulfilled. We have a lot more leverage than you probably realize. So lets take it, and make this time a pleasant one in our homes, for EVERYONE.

Epiphany #8: The Modern Day Homemaker

For years, I have been preparing to go to college and pursue an education. For a while I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I had interests in being a photographer, maybe even design, psychology, or perhaps a scientist?  Needless to say I was a little confused.Then on the back of my mind remained my all-encompassing goal of one day being a full-time stay-at-home mom. I had always been taught the importance and fulfillment that comes from being there for your kids. To me it sounded nice, but I wasn't convinced that it would be practical. Afterall, we are in the 21st century, and being a mom might not cut it financially. Or would it? That would be a lesson for me to learn this week.

I was sitting in my Family Relations class, and the topic of the day was "Work and Home." Perfect, right? My teacher began to write an equation on the board of the overall income of a family that went from one income to two. This is what it looked like.

$43,000

+23,000

--------------

$41,500

How could this be?!?! That is obviously not the logical math. You can't possibly add two positive numbers together and come out with a sum less than what you started with.  Then he explained that this is what happens to a majority of people who decide that they want to both start working to bring more money into the family. It makes sense too: You think that if you just had a little more, THEN you'd be happy. But once you get there you realize that you can work a little longer to have a little MORE.... and on and on until yes you have a higher standard of living, but your bank account does not reflect such an outward appearance. 

This made me feel a little bit better about my desire to be a homemaker. However, I still had one concern on my mind: How can I stay away from losing my intellect? Doesn't being a mom kind of keep you from the outside world? Enter the assignment for today. My teacher emailed us an article and simply asked us to respond with a paragraph of insights we gained. The article was titled, "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?" In this article by Dennis Prager, he suggests reasons why the title to his article is so very wrong. He shows many ways that the exact opposite is true. I now suggest that you read this article too. It changed my whole opinion on the academic life of a mother. By being a stay-at-home mom, I can be in tune with the whole world. Whether it be t.v. shows, the news, books, or service opportunities, a mother can and should be looking for ways to become more intellectual. By being a mom, I can still feel fulfilled because I am fully in tune with the world and most importantly my family. This week of class has liberated me in a very real way. As I do these things, I will be fulfilled in what I feel has been my divine destiny all along.

Epiphany #7: Miscommunications

We have miscommunications a daily basis. People are rood, judgmental, and let's be honest, think about themselves all of the time. Overall, most can agree that we need to be learning about being better communicators. We need to speak more clearly, say what me mean, and mean what we say. I used to feel the same exact way. That is until my professor shared a vital piece of information that ignited a paradigm shift in the way I thought about communication.

He said that the way we decode and interpret someone's messages to us is at least half of the problem. Just think about it: we decide what any given situation means to us. We can choose what we make of it, and that is what it becomes. The scientific term of "The Self-fulfilling prophecy" is very real, and we need to recognize that we are the ones with a duty to decide. As we work to interpret what people are communicating to us, we will keep emotions from fogging up our perceptions, and lead us to seeing the real facts. Truth is the only thing that will always cut through the darkness, and we will have the most effective communications when we have an attitude of understanding and love, rather than criticism and malice. 

It's taken me a really long time to begin to understanding communications in this way. We need to be better communicators. Yes that includes being as clear and responsible as possible. However, we need to be seeing the other party through this same lens instead of assuming the exact opposite. In other words, we need to be willing to decode messages on the side of mercy. This valuable skill can transfer into any setting, whether it be work or family. We would all do well to "Try a little harder to be a little better (Gordon B. Hinkley)." When we do we are empowered to have the necessary energy we need in order to make our relationships count, and in a world like the one we have there is no more room for error.

Epiphany #6: It's All In Your Mind

Everyone has to deal with crisis at some time in their life. Many times a crisis involves more than one person. And yet, when we are in the same situation as someone else, we all experience the same crises differently. So what on earth makes the difference?

Of course we know that everyone has different life experiences, and we are made up of those experiences. We all have different personalities, so of course we all react differently to similar situations. But one thing really makes the difference, no matter who you are or where you come from. This difference is the way you think about the situation. I mean, really, the only difference between seeing a crisis as a stressor or a blessing is simply what you decide that it is. Take, for example, a house fire. This is obviously not a situation that you can change. You simply have a choice. You can decide to grieve for years over the rubble left behind, or proudly exclaim, "Well, now it's termite-free!" This may sound a little exotic, but I am trying to make a point. The situation itself did not change; only the attitude of the individual did. This truth can be liberating to all those who did not know they could make a choice. The uncomfortability can come when you recognize that you have the responsibility to choose.
We are not given our agency to stand on the sidelines and be acted upon. We need to choose to be positive, choose to be uplifting, and change the situation by changing your attitudes about it. When we do, we liberate ourselves, and ignite a chain reaction that allows others to see that they can change too.

Epiphany #5: Traditional is Tacky?

Flashback to 1947. A young military man just back from war asks a "beautiful dame" on a date. He asks her father and promises to have her back right after dinner. They get to liking each other more and more until one day in the late fall, he gives her a kiss at the front door. She knows what that means: They are dating now, and she's okay with it! They date well, doing a variety of activities and getting to know each other better. One night, amid a light snowfall, they walk down mainstreet, looking in all the store windows. She looks over to see his reaction to the new electric train and finds him with a knee on the ground and a ring in his hand. They get married in April and live happily ever after....

For years, the love scene in the United States has been changing. Not even fifty years ago, families were organized into a nuclear system consisting of a man (the bread winner), his wife (the stay-at-home mom) and their children. How much the world has changed since then! Now we are introduced and sometimes bombarded with new classifications of a marital relationship. Plus, cohabitation has skyrocketed in popularity. Now, up to 80% of Americans are or have cohabited in the their lifetime. So what's with the change? 

My epiphany from class this week is that we are no longer formal about our relationships that mean so much. We have gotten into the trend of just sliding through the steps of dating, courtship, engagement and marriage. If someone were to ask you when you officially started dating your significant other, chances are that you couldn't pin point an exact time or event. We may have gotten kissed on your first date, but it probably didn't mean anything. Then comes the controversial topic of living together before marriage. 

Sometimes I wonder if we are lost. We are becoming confused with what it means to move through a relationship. We need to have hope. We need to have faith. We need to be more formal in our progression of a love that can in fact last forever. It is possible to have this. We just have to be willing to work for it one clear step at a time.

Epiphany #4: Battle of the Sexes

Boys are from Mars, girls are from Venus... you know the drill. As we grew up, we were all trained how to tell boys from girls, and not allowed to mingle with the "other people" on many occasions by peers. Growing up in America, everyone knows that boys and girls are very different from one another. 

All of this  adds up to what we think of as the differences between men and women in today's world. The Earth is full of fighting back, retaliating, tolerating and trying to neutralize what it means to be a male or female. Today we have activists for both sexes, and the world is fighting about what it even means to be any one gender. 

My epiphany happened this week when I learned about the importance of the differences that seem to be so trivial. Men and women are different for a reason! We are meant to be different so that we can complete and compliment one another. Afterall, I don't think that one person could do all that two people of opposite gender could do. 

We need to stop seeing these differences as problems, and embrace all that we can be. We are who we are, and I personally believe that we are all that we have been forever. Gender is so important to who we as humans are in this world. It was not made to be unequal but to be equally yoked in everything that we do. We need to recognize that we are different, for that is what unites us.

 Epiphany #3: Social "Class"

Oscar Wilde once said, "There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else." This simple truth is seen in many American communities today. Families that live in high social standing have money in excess, while the middle class has the need to save and the lower class has necessity to scrimp. Society is defined by monetary income. 

Social classes are made up of families. In the Upper class, you have to have a strict and untainted pedigree to be accepted as a member. In the lower class, families tend to be larger, not as intertwined, and in some cases, rather uncivilized. It's easy to see the poor as people who don't have manners, and the rich as a population of jerks. However we know that these stereotypes aren't true. So there is a different meaning that I attach with social class, and it has nothing to do with money.

 I have been taught and I believe that being "high-class" has everything to do with how you act and who you are. I believe that you can have a successful family no matter which tax bracket you are in. If the focus is on money within ANY family relationship, it is at risk of great unhappiness. When one is obsessed with their paycheck, this extreme (yet all too common) lifestyle can severely interfere with family time. Whether a family has no food in their cupboards, or money dripping out of their pocket books, an obsession with obtaining money is stressful and never complete.Simply put, you cannot focus on anything else. You have no time to talk with your kids, and you definitely can't afford to take a moment to laugh. It's work work work, all the time! This is stressful to all family members.It decreases happiness, and like the addiction it is, never fills the hole left in any individual's heart. Before you know it, we've all ended up in the world which we live.

My suggestion is to put our perspectives back in balance. We as a nation need to stop worrying about social class, and start being classy. Success is really based on high morals and standards, instead of the lack thereof. We need to go back to the basics, start over, and focus on the relationships that supposedly matter to us more than anything else. If you notice the quote that sits below the title of this blog, you'll find these words of a very wise man. "MOMENTS are molecules that make up eternity," not money, prestige, or square footage on your home. You see, money does not have to define who we are. I believe that we let it define us because we have nothing else to lean on.